The Crack Chronicles
by noahcomemidnight
Summary: Crack!Phan One-Shots. None of them are related, and I will not be giving context to any of them. No smut. Rated T
1. Spork

It was a regular day in the flat, involving immobility for hours on end due to the Internet. Phil was scrolling through Tumblr when he saw a post that read 'the true reason to live' with an attached photograph of what was called a 'sporknife'- a spork with a serrated edge.

"Hey Dan, look at this." Phil slid his laptop over to his counterpart, who scoffed, before handing the laptop back.

"What would be the use of that? We don't even use the single spork we have for anything!"

"We could buy a load of spork-knives and cut down the amount of utensils in our drawers-?"

"Thanks, but no thanks, Phil. I'd rather not slice my cheek open trying to eat a bloody piece of food."

Phil suddenly had an idea. He rose from the couch to grab the spork from the kitchen to make a point to Dan. On his way back to the lounge, Phil tripped and he let out a yell before he hit the floor with a loud thud. Pain shot through his ribs and his face where it had hit the floor.

"Phil-?" Dan called, and Phil let out a small groan of pain, before he heard Dan's footsteps approach.

"Ow." Phil lifted his head and blinked, finding that he couldn't see out of his left eye. _How hard had he hit the floor-?_

"Oh my god, Phil. We have to get you to A and E immediately."

You opened your laptop to find a many notifications, an upload from Phil catching your eye. You entered YouTube and clicked on the video, titled, 'Eye, Guys'. You felt a smile form on your face. It had been a while since Phil had uploaded, as well as the fact that both he and Dan had seemingly been absent from the Internet the past month or so. You could only wonder what they were doing. _Maybe they were doing each other..._

Phil's adorable face popped up on your screen, and you noticed he was wearing an eyepatch. You figured maybe Phil would be going off on a tangent about pirates and how he wanted to become one. You waited for the video to finish buffering (legit, for fuck's sake YouTube, could you be any slower?), before Phil began his video.

"Hey guys! To start off, I apologise for the lack of YouNow sessions and videos, as well as lack of being on the Internet... It's a long story, but that's what I'm here to tell you today, with the help of my lovely spaniel by the name of Daniel."

"Did you just call me a spaniel-?" Dan's voice was faintly heard in the background. "I've told you this a thousand times, Phil. You can't keep calling me a spaniel, even if it does rhyme with my name, because I am not your bitch."

You felt yourself laugh. _God, they were so married_. The screen went black, before white font appeared (it was comic sans fucking hell) that read, 'about a month ago...'

The screen switched to Dan and Phil sitting on the couch in their lounge with their laptops in their laps. Phil still had the eyepatch on, even when reenacting what had happened that resulted in his lack of Internet use.

"Hey, Dan, look at this spork knife. We have to get it."

"What do we even use our current spork for-?"

"Here, I'm going to grab our spork."

Phil dramatically walked down the hall and returned with the spork, before making himself fake-fall. Dan rushed into the hall as Phil lay on the hall floor, his face down in the carpet.

"Phil! We have to get you to A and E!"

The video cut back to Phil sitting on his bed in his bedroom.

"And that's what happened. So I apologise for my most recent Tweets with all of the spelling errors, but it's taking some time adjusting to being Nick Fury..." In the corner of the screen, Nick Fury slowly slid in as Phil whispered. "But I'll never be as beautiful as you."

There was a jump-cut and Dan was heard faintly.

"Phil! Are you telling the story of why you haven't been on the Internet?"

"Yeahr!" Phil called back, and Dan entered the room, leaning in to the view of the camera.

"Okay, Phil is literally the clumsiest person I have ever met. Okay, honestly if there was a world record for clumsiest person, he'd win it in a heartbeat-"

"No I am not!"

Dan made a sputtering noise. "Yeahr, says the one who tripped and fell and accidENTALLY SPORKED HIS BLOODY EYEBALL OUT."


	2. A Package

"Dan!" Phil called through the flat.

"Yeahr-?" Dan craned his neck from where he was laying in the lounge on the couch in his Internet browsing position.

"There's a package for you." Phil entered the lounge and handed the parcel to Dan, who furrowed his brows.

"Do you think it's my copy of My Neighbour Totoro?"

Phil shrugged and sat on the opposite end of the couch, watching as Dan grabbed a pair of scissors and sliced open the box. Out came a few styrofoam packaging peanuts, and Dan noticed a cream coloured envelope sitting on top of the box's buried content. He picked up the envelope and read his name that was messily scrawled on the front of it. Dan checked the box to find the address was from the United States. Dan's confusion dissipated once he pulled out the letter from the envelope and unfolded it.

 ** _Dan_** , it read,

 ** _Sorry for the prank call a while back. I didn't mean for it to be taken so far. Patrick thought it would be a nice idea to give you a gift in return for forgiveness. Please accept my apology. You seem like a pretty cool guy. Hey, buddy. You in London? I could totally get you and your friend Phil some vip tickets to one of our concerts to make up for me being a shit._**

 ** _Pete Wentz (but Patrick, too)_**

Dan smiled and handed the letter to the confused Phil. Phil read the letter and smiled, before sitting up.

"So what's in the box?"

"Your mum." Dan smiled, and Phil shook his head.

Dan was genuinely curious to see what Pete and Patrick had sent him. _Was it a candle? Was it a fifty kajillion dollar watch?_ Dan gently weighed the box in his hands. It was rather heavy...

Dan began parting the large sea of styrofoam packing peanuts in the box, his curiosity eating at him. Phil watched from afar, his politeness at not wanting to hover keeping him from curing his also burning curiosity. Dan suddenly let out a loud gasp, a mask of both shock and horror covering his face.

"Dan, what is it?"

Dan was stiff for a moment, before hesitantly pulling the object out of the box. He turned to show it to Phil, who covered his mouth, mirroring Dan's emotions.

It was Patrick Stump's bloody, severed hand.


	3. Confession

"Hey Dan-?"

"Hmm?" Dan glanced up from his laptop to find Phil laying on the couch upside-down and grinning at him.

"So there's this dog named Minton..."

"Phil are you bloody kidding me-?"

Phil's smile stretched wider into the thousand gigawatt Phil Lester smile, showing slightly crooked teeth, his cute little tongue sticking through his teeth, and all. Dan couldn't help but smile as well. God, Phil's smile was contagious.

"I'm sorry! I just really like that joke!"

"I'm so Josh Dun with you..." Dan shook his head and went back to scrolling through the deep dark abyss of Tumblr.

"Do you think we'll ever get to interview them? Twenty One Pilots?"

Dan shrugged. "Maybe. Or maybe we'll get to interview Kanye West."

Phil let out a loud groan, and Dan scoffed.

"What's wrong with Kanye West?"

"You don't ever shut up about him!"

"Well, I mean, Kanye West is the Kanye best. Don't diss Kanye."

Phil shook his head and rolled his eyes in disgust.

"You and your stupid Kanye Tumblr shrine."

"Phil!" Dan let out a loud and overly-dramatic gasp. "I am offended! My Tumblr isn't just Kanye West, it's kawaii stuff, Nick Jonas, video game stuff, and Jennifer Lawrence."

Phil sighed, frowning slightly. "Then become their best friends and move into a flat with them."

Dan could tell by the tone of Phil's voice that he was slightly jealous. God, it hurt Dan to see a sad and jealous Phil. Dan ironically shipped himself with celebrities- and even Phil- but he also unironically shipped himself with Phil. Phil didn't know how Dan really felt about the Phan ship...

Phil's phone rang, and he left the room without another word. Dan listened to his flatmate's footsteps recede down the hall and a bedroom door shut. Dan went back to browsing the Internet, listening intently to try and figure out who had called Phil. Phil never left the room when answering calls, and curiosity was killing Dan.

He heard Phil laugh a couple of times- that genuine laugh of his- before silence, and the sound of Phil pacing (at one point stubbing his toe). There were a few loud shouts, but they were incomprehensible to Dan.

After about ten minutes Phil returned to lay back on the couch upside-down, as he had done earlier. Dan found the sudden courage to close his laptop, sitting up to get closer to Phil.

"Was that your mum?"

"No. That was..." Phil trailed off, staring blankly at the ceiling, silence enveloping the flat.

"Phil?"

"Yeahr?" Phil blinked, before looking at Dan.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeahr."

"Are you sure? I think all the blood is rushing to your head..."

A smile bloomed on Phil's face. "No, I'm immune to blood rushing to my head."

Dan felt a smile pull at his lips. God, Phil was too adorable to handle. His cuteness was blinding to the point that Dan hadn't realised what he had done until he did it.

Dan realised he was quite close to Phil, whose face had turned pink.

"D-Dan-?"

"What?"

"Did you just-?"

Dan raised a brow, and Phil sat up on the couch. Phil was quiet for a moment as he tried to adjust to not laying upside-down.

"K-kiss me. Did you just kiss me?"

Oh fuck.

Why.

What had he done.

Dan nonchalantly picked up his laptop and stood, leaving the lounge without another word. His burning cheeks said everything for him.

You sat at your laptop and refreshed the page, when suddenly Phil's new video popped up on your screen. You felt adrenaline shoot your veins when you read the title, 'The Boyfriend Tag'. You clicked on the video and after a long-ass advertisement with no skip options (Christ, YouTube, no one likes those, so please stop thanks), Phil's cheerful face appeared on your screen.

"Hey guys!" He grinned, and you felt yourself smile as well. "Today is a very special video with a very special guest."

There was a jump-cut and someone's black shirt was slightly in the frame, even though they were leaning down to try and avoid the camera to add to the surprise effect. You felt your heart soar. Your OTP was finally real, and you could hardly contain yourself! You bit your lip to keep from screaming as you listened to Phil.

"You all know him as Queen,"

God, Love-Eyes-Lester was so adorable it almost made you physically ill. And the way he talked about your tall lesbian meme queen son just made you hnnnnng.

"And I've been dating him for a while. It's finally time you all knew..."

You almost paused the video when your phone binged, notifying you of a YouTube upload, but you had to see your OTP be real. Plus, you were the fourteenth viewer, and you didn't want to lose that photo opportunity (to prove that you're the fastest of the Phandom). You glanced at your phone for a split second and you saw that Tyler Oakley had just uploaded a video called-

"Tyler Oakley!" Phil beamed, and Tyler sat up in the camera's view.

Tyler had just uploaded the boyfriend tag. Featuring AmazingPhil.


	4. Phil! At the Bar

Dan let out an exasperated sigh-groan.

"God, he was so beautiful. I look like a bag of trash next to him. Oh wait I always look like a bag of trash."

Phil knew Dan was referring to Brendon Urie of Panic! At the Disco, whom they had just interviewed not ten minutes ago. Phil agreed- Brendon was captivating with his looks, humour, and voice.

"Hey, I'm going to a bar with a friend of mine." Phil reminded Dan. "Are you sure you don't want to come?"

"I'll be fine. I don't want to intrude..."

"Okay." Phil shrugged as they left the BBC Radio 1 studio. "Have fun in the dark."

Dan let out a loud groan, his warm breath puffing out and kissing the crisp winter air.

"I'll see you later, 'kay?" Phil offered Dan a smile, and Dan gave him a half-hearted smile.

The two parted ways, and Phil shuffled into the crowd of pedestrians, making his way toward the bar. His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he pulled it out. His friend had texted, cancelling their plans due to their illness. They sent their apologies, and Phil texted back, telling them that it was no problem, and he hoped they felt better. Phil still went to the bar anyhow, going in to get one drink, and then head back to the flat.

Phil entered the bar and took off his coat, before sitting on a barstool. He flashed his ID, and ordered, pulling out his phone when he felt it vibrate.

Dan: Ordered pizza. Will try and leave some for you. No promises...

"Hey, Phil, right?"

Phil looked up from his phone to find Brendon Urie setting his beer down and sitting on the barstool next to him. Brendon. Urie.

"Y-yes." Phil managed, and Brendon smiled.

"Thanks for having me earlier at the radio station by the way. It was dope."

"R-really? Well thanks for being you... I mean-" Phil mentally facepalmed himself, his cheeks burning. Dan was usually the one who was the fangirl, but without Dan... Phil's social anxiety mixed with the fact that he was talking to both a handsome guy who was way higher up on the social hierarchy than him... Things couldn't be worse for him.

Brendon just smiled and let out a tiny melodic laugh. God, how was this happening?

"I'm sorry... I-"

"I caught you off-guard, didn't I?"

Phil nodded, taking a breath to try and calm his nerves. Just then the bartender slid Phil his drink, turning away and shaking his head as he muttered something along the lines of, "So many god damn homosexuals in my bar..."

Dan yawned tiredly, stretching where he had been browsing the Internet for hours on end. He checked the time to find it was just past midnight, and Phil still hadn't returned. Dan figured maybe Phil had gone to his friend's house, but Dan called to check up on him just in case. After four rings Phil picked up.

"Hey, Phil. Are you staying at your friend's place?"

"Heeeeyyyy Daaaannnnnnn." Phil slurred drunkenly, still sounding adorable.

Oh dear god.

"Phil, are you drunk?"

"Daaannnnn c'n I have frien oveerrrrr?"

"Your friend that you went to the bar with?"

"N-noooooo!" Phil let out a giggle. "M' boyfriennnnnn."

"Phil, you're drunk. You don't have a boyfri-"

"Me 'n him are getting marry..."

The call ended, and Dan was getting ready to go out to fetch Phil, when there came a the ringing of the doorbell. Dan heard the door open, before slamming shut.

"Daaaaaaaaannnnnn!" He heard Phil call up the stairs. Before hearing stumbling footsteps.

"Daaaaaannnn!" Someone else called, before dissolving into giggles.

"Shhhh!" Phil whispered loudly. "He doesn' like guestssssss."

There came more stumbling steps before Phil appeared at the top of the steps.

"Daannnn 'm baaaack!" Phil sang, a crooked smile on his face, and fog shrouding his eyes.

"I know you brought someone in, and you know I don't mind people in our flat, but not at midnight, and not when you're drunk."

Phil's smile dimmed, when the other person spoke up.

"Your carpet's niceeee Phiiiilllllll..."

Dan shot Phil a look, and they both started down the stairs at the same time.

"Youuuu don' kick m' hubsban out!"

Dan made it down the steps to find Brendon Urie laying on the floor in the middle of the hallway.


	5. Continuum

You clicked on the notification that told you that your smol sunshine had uploaded a video. You noticed the title of the video was 'Continuum', and waited through the seemingly eternal advertisement for football merchandise of some sorts (like wth YouTube-? None of us in the phandom sport), before a smol foetus Phil appeared on your screen. The bottom of the screen read, 'The beginning'.

"'Ello mah name's Phil-"

And the screen cut to other clips of Phil's videos. In all of them, the year was labelled, and all that was shown were his introductions. You smiled as you watched your son progress through the years and grow, a bittersweet feeling. You felt as if he were your own son, but alas, he was twenty-eight, and there was no way that was even remotely possible.

You watched as Phil's smile grew and his fringe changed lengths over the years. The years became more recent, leading up to the last video that Phil had posted. The screen went black for a moment before cutting to a vlog, where a door opened and Dan entered the room, his nose down in his phone.

"Hey Dan." Phil said, and Dan looked up.

The reaction on Dan's face was priceless, and made even better when Phil zoomed in. Dan had frozen, his eyes wide and eyebrows raised. His mouth opened and closed, but he said nothing. The screen cut to black again, before another clip of Phil came up on your screen.

"Hey guys." He smiled, and you almost didn't hear him over the sound of your scream. Your hands covered your mouth as you rewatched that very last clip, before pausing it.

You didn't know what you had expected, but it surely wasn't Phil with his natural ginger fringe.


	6. DiCapri-OH

The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire VIP met and greet was drawing to a close when one of the last few people in line approached to get photos and autographs. The person gave hugs and politely asked for autographs in their copy of The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire, and Dan and Phil signed before taking a few photos with the fan. The person thanked them and was about to leave, when they suddenly hurried back over to Phil and Dan.

"Wait!" They cried, pulling out a folded sheet of paper from where it had been wedged in their book. They lay the folded sheet upon their book and opened up their sharpie once more. "Dan, I forgot! Would you mind signing this one last thing for me-?"

"S-Sure." Dan took the sharpie and looked down at the paper. There were two blanks, but one of them was already filled with a scrawled signature.

"Whose is this?" Dan pointed at the signature, squinting his eyes and attempting to read the other signature.

"Leonardo DiCaprio."

"You're joking." Dan let out a laugh and smiled, glancing up to find the fan shaking their head.

The fan pulled out their phone and showed both Dan and Phil their lock screen. Sure enough, there they were, standing with Leonardo DiCaprio.

"Oh my god!" Phil covered his mouth with his hands in shock, while Dan signed the blank next to Leonardo's. "How-?"

The fan shrugged. "I was heading down the street and happened to see him walking off the scene of a new movie they're filming."

"That's amazing!" Phil still had his hands over his mouth, and Dan handed the book and folded piece of paper back to the fan, who gave him a smile.

"One last thing…" The fan said, a shy smile appearing on their face, "Might I be a guest of honour at your wedding?"

Dan let out a sputtering noise. "Wedding?" He said incredulously. "And who do you suppose I'll be marrying? Phil? Are you a Phan shipper?"

"No, no." The fan let out a small laugh. "Your wedding with Leonardo DiCaprio."

Dan let out a scoffing noise, and as the fan left, they unfolded the sheet that Dan had signed. They waved it slightly and smiled broadly, before disappearing from the meet and greet area. Dan could feel his heart clench and almost stop beating. He could practically feel himself grow paler that his than his already pasty vampiric complexion as it dawned on him-

He had just signed a marriage contract.

To Leonardo Di-fucking-Caprio.


	7. Kill Dil

"Phil, I'm going out!"

"Alright, have fun!"

Phil heard the front door close, before a smile stretched across his face. He grabbed his camera as well as Dan's laptop, before beginning to vlog.

"He guys! Dan just left the house and I am going to surprise him with a new Sims expansion pack for when he comes back to film more Dil."

Phil made his way up to the office/DANANDPHILGAMES room, placing his camera upon a stack of Wii and 3DS game boxes. He pulled up Dan's computer and began _clickety-clacking_ away, installing the new expansion pack.

"So apparently this new pack is supposed to have loads of new areas and occupations and things, so this ought to make Dil's life more interesting." Said Phil, who sat back and waited for the expansion pack to install.

Dan had just returned from his outing to Tesco when he heard his name.

"Daaaaaaaaan?" Phil called, his tone slightly troubled.

"Yeahr?" Dan made his way up the stairs to find Phil standing there, as if he had been waiting for Dan.

" _ItrieddownloadinganewexpansionpackforTheSimsasasurprise, butitdisappearedandIdidn'tmeanto…_ " Phil mumbled rapidly, his face hidden by his adorable sweater paws. Damn, Phil put Dan's incoherent mumbling to shame.

"Phil, slow down." Dan said, and Phil took a deep breath. "Now what were you saying?"

" _Dan, I killed Dil._ "

* * *

 ** _Author's Note: Hello all! Thanks so much for reading, and have a great Christmas! I'll be uploading after Christmas, but of course, I'm going to be working on some new works as well as more chapters of crack to add to this hot mess. For now, goodbye, but I'll be uploading again soon!_**

 ** _-Crash Cola (noahcomemidnight)_**


End file.
